Sunday, December 17, 2006

Paddlist Fanatics Memorandum Lays Out a Call to Action

The recent arrests of two Western Springs couples at KLM have spurred the Village Administration into high gear. One couple, considered key among the rising wave of paddlist fanatics, are reported to have recruited neighbors to infiltrate Hinsdale’s platform tennis courts for a fun evening -- in blatant disregard of Village policy. The first-time paddlers were greeted by Village employees at the station house, according to the Saturday edition of The Suburban Life, and later released on bond.

Four partially-emptied, 12-ounce beer bottles were confiscated by undercover officers during their raid, but no other contraband was discovered. Police artists have worked with the FBI to sketch profiles of typical suburban residents who might be enticed to exercise in the park and ignore one or more of Hinsdale's policies. Take special notice of the shifty eyes in these profiles of "Biff Doe" and "Buffy Doe".

On Friday, an internal memo sent by Village Administrators was leaked to the Onion, America’s Finest News Source, and then shared with this blogger. The memorandum lays out a series of four principles about responding to the threat of paddlist fanatics from Western Springs and other nearby Hamlets:

1. Surveillance is a critical pillar of Hinsdale’s enforcement of rules about smoking outdoors and the consumption of Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Lite, and other evil beverages originating from the Empire of Wisconsin as well as the other 49 states. Continuing use of patrol vehicles and undercover detectives is planned. Newly-installed and remotely-operated cameras embedded in the new berm at KLM are expected to boost the responsiveness of the police to suspicious activity.

2. A public education campaign is being rolled out as a way to demonstrate to residents that bicycling, platform tennis, softball, and several other sports have been linked to injury, irresponsibility, and moreover lead to unusually bad breath.

3. Breaking away completely from the tradition of term limits for board members, the Village Caucus is considering lifetime appointments for the current Village Board. In these dangerous times, it is considered vital not to expose Hinsdale's leaders to the threat of being removed from their soon-to-be-even-more-plush board rooms.

4. Hinsdale will consider -- in yet another closed-door Board meeting -- the doctrine of preemptive action and how to reduce the opportunity of Western Springers to establish camaraderie in their own parks. The theory suggests that direct intervention on Western Springs soil can limit impact on healthy fun occurring in Hinsdale’s parks. Similar plans are being drawn up for Maryknoll Park in Glen Ellyn.

Check back for more coverage of this breaking story.